I went back to work for the first time since Gemma’s death. On top of not wanting to leave Patrick and not getting the comfort of sleeping by him, I’m sick. First day back and I’m sick. It was hard at times, I tried to stay busy for the most part. I work at a factory operating a wax press, so I just kept putting out molds. Kept my mind busy. It’s been 3 whole weeks since I lost my baby. The love of my life. The reason for my existence.
I was welcomed back by a few friends of mine and had learned last night that one of my friends I work with had also lost his grandson to SIDS. His grandson was about the same age as Gemma. When he was telling me the story I started tearing up. I didn’t want to cry at work. I was trying to be strong. He had said his grandson had just stopped breathing in his sleep and they couldn’t get him to wake up. He had also said the parents ended up breaking up. I hope Patrick and I can continue to stay strong and be there for each other. He’s really been my rock, support and angel. Gemma gave me her daddy.
My friend had also told me the parents had gotten a alarm for their next baby to alert them when the baby stopped breathing. I want to get something where I’m alerted when the baby’s heartbeat stops. He told me sometimes the alarm would go off for no reason or the baby would take a second to breath and it would alert the alarm. He said the parents were constantly anxious and would watch the baby sleep. They ended up sending the alarm thing back. He said his grandma told them if the lord wants that baby, no alarm will stop the lord from taking that baby. I didn’t like hearing that. Made me upset. The lord TOOK that baby. I’m sure they wanted their baby just as I wanted my baby.
The only thing keeping me going some days is that I know I will be able to hold her again one day. I want to be able to hold her now. When I first lost her, I seriously debated on taking my own life so I could be with her. She needs her momma. I need her. I wanted to be with her so bad. I still do, but I know I have to keep going for her. I need to be strong for her daddy. He needs me. He can’t lose me and his baby girl all at once.
All in all, work was bearable. I was sad near the end of the day and wanted to throw in the towel and go home, but I forced myself to stay. It was nice to see the few friends I made there, but being at home with Patrick would have been nicer. I had my baby’s mittens to keep me grounded and the locket with her name, birth and death dates that I had gotten from Patrick’s dear friend. Those few things kept me sane, along with my mom texting me to make sure I was okay.