I miss the days when Gemma was alive. I miss being so unbelievably happy. Life was too good to be true so of course something terrible had to shake me to the core, but losing my daughter? My sweet little 2 1/2 month old baby girl didn’t have to be the thing to bring me down. I would rather have lost all my hair, gotten cancer, lost a limb than lose my baby. I lost my soul, my heart, purpose and happiness when she died. Everyday I miss her, everyday I cry for her, and everyday I hope I don’t get pregnant. I’m not ready. I cannot move on and have another baby. I feel as if I’m betraying my baby and moving on. I want her, not another baby. She was my whole world. How can I come back from this? How can I live without her and be happy? She is my happiness. I’m an empty shell without Gemma. My soul is lifeless and there is nothing inside me but pain and agony. I wish I could make it stop.
This picture is what you think it is. That is the first time we saw our beautiful Gemma since we saw her lifeless body at the hospital. I’m not sorry for sharing this causing people sadness or causing people to feel uncomfortable because we live everyday without our daughter. This blog is raw and true just as this photo is. I debated on putting this on here, but its a part of our new life.
My birthday is tomorrow. I actually had forgotten about it until last week and it’s another day I dread. What is there to celebrate? My greatest gift, creation and purpose is no longer here with me. She’s always on my mind and in my heart, but I want her in my arms. The ache and pain never stops, it just seems to happen more often. I miss my daughter. I long for her. I feel as if I’m just floating through life until I see her again. There are so many days I think to myself, was she really here? Did I actually have a baby? The time she was with me was so brief I have to pinch myself and make sure it’s not a dream. A nightmare. I was meant to be a mom. It felt right and as if I was truly happy.
Gemma was definitely a baby that wanted to be held all the time, some people call it spoiled, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care when she was alive and now I’m more thankful for it because I got all those extra cuddles and the closeness. I felt as if there was no way to “spoil” a baby. What’s wrong with them wanting their mommy or daddy? Was it hard to get stuff done? Absolutely, but I wouldn’t change it for the world and I will do the same for my future children. I think I will be the one that will want them all the time versus them needing me. I had talked to Patrick about co-sleeping. I know people say it’s hard to break them of sleeping with you, but I want my children close. I need them close. Gemma slept with me when it was just her and I. I had this bed bassinet though because I was terrified to roll or her or for me to push her out of bed. Having her right in the bed however was so nice, especially because I breastfed. I would just feed and change her right in the bed, then put her down next to me. I didn’t have to get up all the time when she woke up, which was only about 2-3 times a night.
I feel like I’m forgetting what she looked like in my mind. I have pictures, but if I didn’t, would I remember her? I know I’m forgetting other things as well like how she felt in my arms, breastfeeding her, the feel of her skin and just our day to day activities. I want her back so bad. It’s too difficult to keep going without her. I wasn’t supposed to live without my baby. She should be rolling right now and laughing. She isn’t supposed to be in a little ceramic box. I felt as if I tried so hard to be a good person and an even better mother. I know Patrick has come so far from where he used to be. He has made some mistakes in his life that he is still paying for, but he was hoping to teach our children not to make those same mistakes. He was a great dad and would have taught Gemma so much about being a good person to making an impact on this world like he wants to. I feel as if Gemma would have been extremely intelligent and ambitious like her parents, but she never got the chance. We will never be able to see what kind of person she would have been.
I haven’t had the motivation to write in awhile, and Patrick and I have been busy house hunting or working. Unfortunately our grief has not taken a break. Lately it feels as if we are talking about the what ifs or our lost future more often. Our dreams are broken about having a beautiful and happy family.
Yesterday him and I were sitting outside on the swing and talking about how nice it would have been to have Gemma outside with us, for her to feel the grass, hear the birds chirping and just be in awe of the outside. How we would have loved to get a kids/small shallow pool and the three of us sit in it with Gemma enjoying the warm weather, of course Gemma wearing a cute bikini with her cute Buddha belly and rolls galore. I mourn not only for my precious daughter, but for the future we lost. There was so much love but we still didn’t get to keep her. Our heart breaks everyday, over and over again. The deep pain and anguish never ends.
There are times now I see a picture of her and it’s hard to see them. Seeing her brings me so much pain, but seeing her smile and how beautiful she was also brings me joy. It’s strange to feel so much agony and joy from seeing her pictures or watching her videos. I have a new favorite picture, her huge smile melts my heart and puts a smile on my face.
I don’t believe the pain will ever go away. People tell me time will heal, but there’s no way time can heal the hole in my chest. I feel as if getting day to day may just become easier to endure the pain.
Mother’s Day wasn’t too awful. Having my friend’s and family’s love and support definitely helped me get through the day. Of course Mother’s Day with my beautiful Gemma would have been perfect, but it’s not feasible, just another beautiful dream.
Flowers from Patrick
Card from my mother
Flowers from my mother and sister