Today has been a very hard day. On my way to Patrick’s from work I couldn’t keep it in any longer and lost it. I way driving on the highway and crying so hard I could barely see. I miss her. Today I’m more upset that I was given such a beautiful little girl for her to be taken from me in just 2 short months. Why was I given Gemma for her to be here a short while. I don’t feel that I am strong enough to handle the pain of losing my daughter. I get through the days because I’m an empty shell. I’ve lived with depression since I was a teenager. I know how to fake it.
When I was driving home, I needed to hear her. I needed her. I had my phone connected to my car and had her videos playing through the car speakers. I wish I had gotten more videos of her talking, of her smiles, but it would never be enough. It still doesn’t seem real that she is gone. I still feel as if she will be back. I’m so upset with myself for having this beautiful baby because I didn’t get to keep her. I’m upset because I gave my everything to her, my entire heart and she’s gone. What was the point of loving her with everything I had she she would be gone in 2 short months? What was the point of making sure I could provide for her, give her everything she could ever need? I’m mad that I was given the most perfect baby girl for her to be taken from me.
I’m terrified to have anymore children. I wanted a few kids, but now I’m scared to lose them like I lost Gemma. I know if I lost another baby, I would throw in the towel because it’s a sign I’m not supposed to have children then. With that, I’m scared to love another baby with all my heart and I lose that one too. Makes me worried I won’t form a bond with my next baby; detach myself so I won’t get hurt again. But then what’s the point of having another child if I won’t give it everything I have just like I gave everything to Gemma. I know it’s too early to be thinking about another baby, but I miss my Gemma so much.
What I wouldn’t do or give to have her back. See that beautiful smile, hear her coos, snuggle her, clean and dress her in pretty clothes, nurse her, even smell her. Nothing has her scent on it anymore. I hope when I get her little lamb back, it smells like her. She used to drool on it, as gross as that is, I hope it carries her scent.
Gemma, mommy loves you more than herself. More than you will ever know. Mommy will see you again one day. I cannot wait.