I wasn’t able to compose myself the last few days to write anything. I’ve been feeling broken, empty and void of any life or love. I miss my baby. I’ve had a few people tell me she’s blessed to not be able to experience any pain, heartbreak or loss in her life. She is in a place where there is no pain, heartbreak or loss. But she will also never get to experience love, joy or happiness. She will never get married, have children and have her own life achievements. I never got to experience any holidays with her. Easter is coming up and she didn’t get a chance to wear her beautiful Easter dress, she didn’t get to celebrate Christmas or her first birthday. To me, she is not in a better place. She was safe, healthy and happy here with her mommy and daddy.
There are days where I’m not even sure I had a baby. Was she real? Or did I actually lose her? It doesn’t feel real. Then I look at pictures and feel love, happiness and pain. Sometimes I cannot even look at her pictures because it’s too painful. There are other times where I just want to watch her videos, look at her beautiful smiling face and cry. Why get out of bed? Why can’t I just stay in bed and mourn my baby, or look at videos and pictures? I want to cuddle her like I had got to the night before she passed away. That’s a memory I hold dear.
We had gotten home and I needed to take a nap before work since I work 3rd shift. She needed to eat too and I hated wasting my pumped milk when I was with her, so her dad had told me to just lay on my side and have my shirt off so I could feed her while I slept. I was so nervous I would roll on her or my breast would cover her nose when I fell asleep. He assured me he would watch her as she ate and I slept. He did. Once she was done eating and fell asleep next to me, he left her there to cuddle with me. I treasure that memory. That was the last time I saw her alive. I’m so thankful I had gotten that with her and I’m so thankful her dad watched over her to ensure she would be okay. She had then passed away in the early morning while I was at work that night.
So for me to hear that she’s “in a better place” in hard for me. That night with me was pure bliss. So much love was shared between the three of us. She had brought me and her dad closer together and now with her death, we are even stronger. I’m thankful to have Patrick in my life. I wish we would have been a family, but Gemma had actually brought us closer together and her death made us so strong. When I break down, he’s there for me. When he breaks down, I’m there for him. I know the death of a child often breaks couples or marriages apart, but we have made it work. I do hope it continues.
I miss you Gemma. I hope you are looking down at your mommy and daddy and see how much we love and miss you. We will see you again one day. Mommy will hold you in my arms again one day my precious Gem.