Forget the “better place”

Forget the “better place”

I wasn’t able to compose myself the last few days to write anything. I’ve been feeling broken, empty and void of any life or love. I miss my baby. I’ve had a few people tell me she’s blessed to not be able to experience any pain, heartbreak or loss in her life. She is in a place where there is no pain, heartbreak or loss. But she will also never get to experience love, joy or happiness. She will never get married, have children and have her own life achievements. I never got to experience any holidays with her. Easter is coming up and she didn’t get a chance to wear her beautiful Easter dress, she didn’t get to celebrate Christmas or her first birthday. To me, she is not in a better place. She was safe, healthy and happy here with her mommy and daddy.

There are days where I’m not even sure I had a baby. Was she real? Or did I actually lose her? It doesn’t feel real. Then I look at pictures and feel love, happiness and pain. Sometimes I cannot even look at her pictures because it’s too painful. There are other times where I just want to watch her videos, look at her beautiful smiling face and cry. Why get out of bed? Why can’t I just stay in bed and mourn my baby, or look at videos and pictures? I want to cuddle her like I had got to the night before she passed away. That’s a memory I hold dear.

We had gotten home and I needed to take a nap before work since I work 3rd shift. She needed to eat too and I hated wasting my pumped milk when I was with her, so her dad had told me to just lay on my side and have my shirt off so I could feed her while I slept. I was so nervous I would roll on her or my breast would cover her nose when I fell asleep. He assured me he would watch her as she ate and I slept. He did. Once she was done eating and fell asleep next to me, he left her there to cuddle with me. I treasure that memory. That was the last time I saw her alive. I’m so thankful I had gotten that with her and I’m so thankful her dad watched over her to ensure she would be okay. She had then passed away in the early morning while I was at work that night.

So for me to hear that she’s “in a better place” in hard for me. That night with me was pure bliss. So much love was shared between the three of us. She had brought me and her dad closer together and now with her death, we are even stronger. I’m thankful to have Patrick in my life. I wish we would have been a family, but Gemma had actually brought us closer together and her death made us so strong. When I break down, he’s there for me. When he breaks down, I’m there for him. I know the death of a child often breaks couples or marriages apart, but we have made it work. I do hope it continues.

I miss you Gemma. I hope you are looking down at your mommy and daddy and see how much we love and miss you. We will see you again one day. Mommy will hold you in my arms again one day my precious Gem.

 

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Gemma sleeping on mommy’s lap, February 27th, 2018

 

 

2 thoughts on “Forget the “better place”

  1. People come up with platitudes they hope will help because they have absolutely no idea what to say to a parent who has lost a child. I feel your pain. I lost my daughter when she was 2 months old. I had people tell me that “at least she wasn’t older..it must be easier”. Oh lord, it wasn’t easier. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It will become less painful, but that takes time…so much time. There are days now, and it is forty years later, that I become breathless with the pain of her loss. Thank God those days are rare. I have two other children..grown now and becoming parents themselves. They bring me joy. Don’t feel guilty for feeling “ok”……..you need “ok” in order to deal with other days that aren’t. You need to be able to set aside the grief for periods of time so that you can survive this. I admire you. I wouldn’t have had the bravery to post my feelings as eloquently as you so soon after her loss. Bless you.

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  2. I understand that people do not know what to say to someone that has lost someone, much less a healthy person or child. I know I myself wouldn’t know what to say to a friend that had lost their baby. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your child. I don’t think we will ever “heal,” just more or less be able to cope with the pain easier. Did you have your other two children before or after you lost you baby girl? I know I was thankful I didn’t have any other children when I lost my Gemma, because I would be hard to tell them, or keep yourself together to take care of them. I’m thankful for that small blessing.

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