It’s been 12 days since I’ve lost my beautiful Gemma Nova. There are times I feel “OK,” which in turn makes me feel guilty. How can a mother go on once she has lost her child? There are also times where I just want to lay in bed and be as small as possible and cry, to just be. What I wouldn’t give to have my baby in my arms again. To hear her cry. To nurse her and look down at her beautiful eyes and see the love in them. I was meant to be a mom. I have never been more happy and fulfilled than when I had my beautiful baby girl. Life was perfect. Seriously.
I have long since struggled with depression since I’ve been a teenager. Never talked to anyone about what I’ve felt or the hopelessness I’ve grown accustomed to. I’ve struggled with low self esteem as many young women do and never felt good enough for anyone. I could always do better, be better, do more; enough was never enough. I always wanted my family’s approval and wanted them to be proud of me. It always felt that no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough. My siblings would get the attention from my parents or grandparents, making me feel less than them. I know now that it was because they never worried about me, that I could take care of myself and they were indeed proud of me. But being a mom, I knew without a doubt I was a great mom. I did everything I could think of to ensure Gemma was a happy and healthy baby, I even ate bananas which I used to hate! Everything I did since I found out I was pregnant was for Gemma. I had to ensure she had gotten the best. That I would be my very best for her, which is why I sought out help with my depression. My OBGYN had given me antidepressants and set me up to see a counselor. I needed to be mentally and physically healthy for my baby.
Everything was perfect. I was finally coping with my depression, Patrick and I were doing better than ever, we were looking to buy a house and finally all be under the same roof together, I had moved to a different department at my job and love it (along with the money), and I was a mom to the most beautiful, happiest, sweetest baby girl in the world. Yes I’m biased, but she was beautiful too. Then on March 5th, 2017 we had lost our beautiful baby girl.
Not a day goes by that I do not think of her or miss her. I light a candle for her everyday and hold her in my heart. What I wouldn’t give to hold her one more time, see her smile, hear her coos or nurse her. She was and always will be my baby girl. My baby cakes.