It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything at all. I’ve found it harder to talk about Gemma and I more or less like to keep her to myself. It hurts to talk about her. Since I’ve written, we have had our second child, Skyler Rayne. Our beautiful little rainbow who was born February 24th, 2019.
A bit about my pregnancy with Skyler: We found out we were expecting a few short months after Gemma passed away. I felt that I needed my girl. As much as I would have been happy with a son or daughter, I needed a little girl. I love both my girls. They both hold a special place in my heart, their own little places shaped just for them. Skyler will never replace Gemma, and Gemma can never overshadow Skyler. A mother’s love multiplies.
Skyler’s due date was February 28th, which was too close to Gemma’s angelversary (March 5th). I was too anxious that Sky would make her debut on that day. As much as I wanted Sky to be here to bright some sunshine into the darkness, I wanted Gemma to have that day to her own and Skyler to have her birthday as her own. I had a difficult time bonding with Skyler when I was pregnant. I felt as if she wasn’t going to stay here with me, so why love her and why get attached to have her taken from me again and to deal with the unbearable heartbreak and pain all over again. I could not handle it, I was barely hanging on as it was. There were far too many days where I wanted it to end and to have my Gemma in my arms again and I didn’t care about the beautiful baby in my belly. I wasn’t attached and all I felt was anguish. I am thankful it never got to that point, but caring for myself was a struggle. I wasn’t taking care of myself with hygiene, taking my prenatal vitamins or eating well. I had no care to. What was the point?
The doctor decided on scheduling my induction and it happened to be during a snow storm. It suits Skyler, she came into this world when we had such a terrible snow and ice storm because she is definitely a storm herself. The doctor had me terribly worried and anxious as he had told me he was worried about the possibility of a stillbirth. He stated it was due to my weight, but my weight had not changed much from Gemma to Skyler and we had to unfortunately switch doctors due to ours leaving for another hospital. Gemma’s doctor never once mentioned the possibility of a stillbirth, which I would advise any healthcare professionals to never say that to a loss mama especially when the chances are low to nonexistent which later he had stated he wasn’t concerned about it.
Skyler, like her sister did not want to leave her nice warm home in mama. She finally did come and it was emotional. When they put her on my chest for the first time I couldn’t even see her through the tears of joy and sadness. She was so different from her sister and I was so worried she was going to look so similar to her sister. Skyler has fair skin, very blue eyes (still), strawberry blonde hair and is small. She’s a petite little girl now that we’re coming up to 6 months. Both my girls were champions with breastfeeding, we’re still going strong!
Bringing Skyler home was nerve wrecking. We avoiding tummy time almost completely. We had our owlet smart sock which she wore every night. It gave us peace of mind while we were sleeping. We had also received an angelcare monitor from Bo’s Heavenly Clubhouse that they had donated to our little rainbow. I had taken the maximum amount of time off to be home with Sky, just shy of 3 months. Going back to work was tough. I watched her on the baby camera and I know her daddy struggled a bit at first as I basically was her sole caregiver because Patrick only got a week or 2 off. With that, I was and still am overbearing and controlling with her care. I still fear something will happen to her. I feel as if I have taken her life in my own hands and have to make sure she stays alive. It’s stressful and too much. We had finally gotten a babysitter which was a huge step for me. Trusting someone else with my most prized possession here on Earth. It’s a step in the right direction. I have to trust people with my baby girl.
What has inspired me to write again for the first time in a year was a post I had read on Facebook. It was from Scared Sidless and said:
“It’s just one of those mornings… it’s a Monday, and I’m thinking of my boy. I looked down at my phone, 10:36, the time he passed. I look at my calendar and think, “How will he have been gone 7 years in 7 weeks. How?” And the next thought is “How has it only been 7 years?” I’m supposed to be focusing in this math workshop but my mind is on Cullin.”
Her post hit me right in the heart and I began to cry because I can’t imagine getting to the point where it’s been 5 years, 10 years, 50 years since I’ve held my Gemma in my arms. How have I been able to go on without her for X amount of years. How can all these loss parents go on and on without their baby or child. I can’t imagine, but it will be me years down the road. I will be sitting around when my other children are older and think to myself, I cannot believe it’s been 10 years since Gemma’s passing. That she was really here and I held that beautiful girl in my arms and now my heart. Not only do I get to see Skyler grow and develop into her own personality everyday, but I’m also one day closer to holding Gemma in my arms for all eternity.