Today is another bad day. It just came up out of nowhere at work and grabbed me and won’t let go. Took everything I had to finish my shift. I wanted to curl up in the smallest ball in the darkest, furthest corner and cry. My heart aches for Gemma like it just happened. One of those days where I just want to be with my daughter. I want my heart back. Feels like its been torn from my chest and crushed into a million pieces leaving me feeling empty. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and just relive the time I had with her over and over again. I’m not quite sure how I’ve been holding it together for this long, but it all came at me and is crippling. I want the pain to stop, I want the ache in my heart to stop, but it never will. Not as long as I love Gemma. This is my new life and I hate it. I don’t want it. I want my daughter back.
It’s been over 4 months since I’ve lost my precious Gemma. It has not gotten easier. In fact, I feel as if it has gotten worse. When Gemma first died there was so much support, so much love and kind words. Now it feels as if it’s in the past. I am no longer a concern to anyone. For awhile I felt grateful I at least had Patrick and my mom to count on. Now I feel like i’m in this alone. When the pain cracks me open and takes hold of my very soul, I have to hold on and hope it doesn’t completely devour me. I’m not suicidal, but I welcome death whenever it comes for me. I will be at peace and I will see my precious Gemma again. I will be able to hold her for all eternity.
I understand people have families and they have to continue to go on. They did not lose their daughter. I understand that. But I guess I thought i had someone that would be there when I completely fall apart. That would be there for me when I’m a sobbing mess, curled up in bed waiting for the pain to release me. I now learned it is something I need to deal with on my own. Something I need to learn to get through and “toughen up.” I am not ready for the next chapter being written in mine and Patrick’s life. Not one bit. I’m sad and angry. I want it to go away. I want time to just stop.
People that I thought would be there for me have pushed me away further. Ensuring I keep everything to myself because I have learned, they do not care. Am I in a dark place? Yes. Was I pushed here? Yes. I confided in people I trusted only to be brushed off. I tried explaining where I’m coming from to be told they’re just excuses, I’m a disappointment, and It’s too late. I wish I could show someone my soul, give them a glimpse of how I’m feeling so that they get it. But that is impossible. I now feel like a bother and just keep my pain inside. Something I will let out when I’m in a safe place, by myself.
I miss you Gemma. You loved me unconditionally as I loved you unconditionally. I’m lost without you. Mommy needs you back. I cannot wait to see you again and have you in my arms. My sweet, sweet baby girl. I hope you are okay wherever you are. I love you with my entire being, my sweet raspberry.
I miss the days when Gemma was alive. I miss being so unbelievably happy. Life was too good to be true so of course something terrible had to shake me to the core, but losing my daughter? My sweet little 2 1/2 month old baby girl didn’t have to be the thing to bring me down. I would rather have lost all my hair, gotten cancer, lost a limb than lose my baby. I lost my soul, my heart, purpose and happiness when she died. Everyday I miss her, everyday I cry for her, and everyday I hope I don’t get pregnant. I’m not ready. I cannot move on and have another baby. I feel as if I’m betraying my baby and moving on. I want her, not another baby. She was my whole world. How can I come back from this? How can I live without her and be happy? She is my happiness. I’m an empty shell without Gemma. My soul is lifeless and there is nothing inside me but pain and agony. I wish I could make it stop.
This picture is what you think it is. That is the first time we saw our beautiful Gemma since we saw her lifeless body at the hospital. I’m not sorry for sharing this causing people sadness or causing people to feel uncomfortable because we live everyday without our daughter. This blog is raw and true just as this photo is. I debated on putting this on here, but its a part of our new life.
My birthday is tomorrow. I actually had forgotten about it until last week and it’s another day I dread. What is there to celebrate? My greatest gift, creation and purpose is no longer here with me. She’s always on my mind and in my heart, but I want her in my arms. The ache and pain never stops, it just seems to happen more often. I miss my daughter. I long for her. I feel as if I’m just floating through life until I see her again. There are so many days I think to myself, was she really here? Did I actually have a baby? The time she was with me was so brief I have to pinch myself and make sure it’s not a dream. A nightmare. I was meant to be a mom. It felt right and as if I was truly happy.
Gemma was definitely a baby that wanted to be held all the time, some people call it spoiled, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care when she was alive and now I’m more thankful for it because I got all those extra cuddles and the closeness. I felt as if there was no way to “spoil” a baby. What’s wrong with them wanting their mommy or daddy? Was it hard to get stuff done? Absolutely, but I wouldn’t change it for the world and I will do the same for my future children. I think I will be the one that will want them all the time versus them needing me. I had talked to Patrick about co-sleeping. I know people say it’s hard to break them of sleeping with you, but I want my children close. I need them close. Gemma slept with me when it was just her and I. I had this bed bassinet though because I was terrified to roll or her or for me to push her out of bed. Having her right in the bed however was so nice, especially because I breastfed. I would just feed and change her right in the bed, then put her down next to me. I didn’t have to get up all the time when she woke up, which was only about 2-3 times a night.
I feel like I’m forgetting what she looked like in my mind. I have pictures, but if I didn’t, would I remember her? I know I’m forgetting other things as well like how she felt in my arms, breastfeeding her, the feel of her skin and just our day to day activities. I want her back so bad. It’s too difficult to keep going without her. I wasn’t supposed to live without my baby. She should be rolling right now and laughing. She isn’t supposed to be in a little ceramic box. I felt as if I tried so hard to be a good person and an even better mother. I know Patrick has come so far from where he used to be. He has made some mistakes in his life that he is still paying for, but he was hoping to teach our children not to make those same mistakes. He was a great dad and would have taught Gemma so much about being a good person to making an impact on this world like he wants to. I feel as if Gemma would have been extremely intelligent and ambitious like her parents, but she never got the chance. We will never be able to see what kind of person she would have been.
I haven’t had the motivation to write in awhile, and Patrick and I have been busy house hunting or working. Unfortunately our grief has not taken a break. Lately it feels as if we are talking about the what ifs or our lost future more often. Our dreams are broken about having a beautiful and happy family.
Yesterday him and I were sitting outside on the swing and talking about how nice it would have been to have Gemma outside with us, for her to feel the grass, hear the birds chirping and just be in awe of the outside. How we would have loved to get a kids/small shallow pool and the three of us sit in it with Gemma enjoying the warm weather, of course Gemma wearing a cute bikini with her cute Buddha belly and rolls galore. I mourn not only for my precious daughter, but for the future we lost. There was so much love but we still didn’t get to keep her. Our heart breaks everyday, over and over again. The deep pain and anguish never ends.
There are times now I see a picture of her and it’s hard to see them. Seeing her brings me so much pain, but seeing her smile and how beautiful she was also brings me joy. It’s strange to feel so much agony and joy from seeing her pictures or watching her videos. I have a new favorite picture, her huge smile melts my heart and puts a smile on my face.
I don’t believe the pain will ever go away. People tell me time will heal, but there’s no way time can heal the hole in my chest. I feel as if getting day to day may just become easier to endure the pain.
Mother’s Day wasn’t too awful. Having my friend’s and family’s love and support definitely helped me get through the day. Of course Mother’s Day with my beautiful Gemma would have been perfect, but it’s not feasible, just another beautiful dream.
Today is such a bad day I don’t want to go on anymore. I want to see Gemma now. I need to hold her, smell her, talk to her and be her mommy. I’ve dreamed about her for so long. I was meant to be a mom, but I blew it. She’s gone. I never got to hear her laugh, her first word, crawling, walking, rolling over (without cheating), teach her how to count, see her first day of kindergarten.. I don’t deserve another child. I couldn’t even keep Gemma alive. She only lived for 9 weeks and 6 days. She wasn’t sick. She could have lived to 90 years old but I killed her. I may have not been there that night, but I put her on her tummy to sleep too. I made it “okay” for her to be on her tummy. I wish I never did and for that mistake it cost my baby her life. I don’t deserve another child. I’m a bad mom. I’m not even a mom anymore. I have no daughter and my milk is gone. I would give my own life if it meant she could come back. I don’t wanna be here. She was my world and reason to be mentally healthy and she’s gone. There is no point anymore.
Patrick and I had finally went to a group support that had people there. The first one we went to was in Fond du Lac. The person running the group had not lost a child, which I would never wish upon anyone, but it would have been nice to talk to someone who knew EXACTLY how we were feeling or what we were going through. Talking to these two ladies at this meeting tonight gave me comfort. I can’t speak for Patrick, but it helped me knowing I’m not alone.
First the two women shared their stories of losing there children. It’s hard for me to tell their stories because I fear I cannot do them justice, but neither woman had gotten to bring their children home. These two women continued to live their lives and have more children. One was nine years ago and the other was two I believe. They still ache and grieve for their children that never had gotten a fair chance, a shot at leaving the hospital, but they live on by talking about them, helping others, and continuing on living their life. We had also shared our story and told them our fears and concerns, which were the same or similar. When the first lady, we’ll call her A, had her child after losing her baby, she told us she was constantly ensuring her baby was breathing, that she only had gotten a few hours a sleep a night. She never got to bring her baby home, but the fear of losing her next child was still there. The other lady, B, was currently pregnant. She also has fears that her baby will be sick, that she will not be able to take this baby home either. She said she’s waiting for the bad news, for the other shoe to drop. A fear her and I both share is that we are afraid and unsure how to separate the next baby from the one we had lost. That it will take the place of the angel baby. We both know our angel babies can never be replaced, but that fear is still there. I’m worried I will try and pick up where I left off with Gemma, treat that baby like they’re her. Gemma was her own person. She will never be forgotten.
Family support also came up. A’s family was not very supportive. Some were but most just moved, don’t talk about her baby or get uncomfortable if they see a picture or hear his name. B’s family was more like mine, which I’m eternally thankful for. Our families talk about our girls, and do things in their memory. Keep in mind A lost her baby nine years ago and B lost hers two years ago.
I had told them something that had hurt me on Easter, which I never thought of doing myself or asking my mom to do it either. I was hurt that my mom had not thought about getting an Easter basket for Gemma. She had gotten one for the three other grandchildren, but not Gemma. I told myself that Gemma doesn’t need one, she’s in heaven, but it still hurt. I felt as if she was forgotten already. I know my mom didn’t mean any harm by it and just like me, I never thought to mention it to her or even do something for Gemma instead. Both women had mentioned that I could still do a basket for Easter or hang a stocking for Christmas. I wish I would have thought about doing that, but I didn’t. They said some women put letters to their child in the stocking, or items in remembrance of them. One of the ladies also had a first birthday party for her baby where the gifts would be donations to the NICU where her baby was and the other would take her other two children out and do something fun in remembrance of her baby. I’m unsure of what we may do because Gemma’s birthday is the day after Christmas and it is also my nephew’s birthday. I don’t want to take away from his birthday, but it’s also my baby’s birthday. I love my nephew, but my baby was my true love. He will have many days to celebrate with his mom and family, my baby only had gotten nine weeks and six days.
I also want to say I do not know either woman’s story, they merely shared a page from their book. I am also by no means judging either woman, their families or how they grieve. I admire both women with how they can continue to go on because most days I want to give up and be with my Gemma. Group was comforting and I know I will continue to go.