update

update

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything at all. I’ve found it harder to talk about Gemma and I more or less like to keep her to myself. It hurts to talk about her. Since I’ve written, we have had our second child, Skyler Rayne. Our beautiful little rainbow who was born February 24th, 2019.

A bit about my pregnancy with Skyler: We found out we were expecting a few short months after Gemma passed away. I felt that I needed my girl. As much as I would have been happy with a son or daughter, I needed a little girl. I love both my girls. They both hold a special place in my heart, their own little places shaped just for them. Skyler will never replace Gemma, and Gemma can never overshadow Skyler. A mother’s love multiplies.

Skyler’s due date was February 28th, which was too close to Gemma’s angelversary (March 5th). I was too anxious that Sky would make her debut on that day. As much as I wanted Sky to be here to bright some sunshine into the darkness, I wanted Gemma to have that day to her own and Skyler to have her birthday as her own. I had a difficult time bonding with Skyler when I was pregnant. I felt as if she wasn’t going to stay here with me, so why love her and why get attached to have her taken from me again and to deal with the unbearable heartbreak and pain all over again. I could not handle it, I was barely hanging on as it was. There were far too many days where I wanted it to end and to have my Gemma in my arms again and I didn’t care about the beautiful baby in my belly. I wasn’t attached and all I felt was anguish. I am thankful it never got to that point, but caring for myself was a struggle. I wasn’t taking care of myself with hygiene, taking my prenatal vitamins or eating well. I had no care to. What was the point?

The doctor decided on scheduling my induction and it happened to be during a snow storm. It suits Skyler, she came into this world when we had such a terrible snow and ice storm because she is definitely a storm herself. The doctor had me terribly worried and anxious as he had told me he was worried about the possibility of a stillbirth.  He stated it was due to my weight, but my weight had not changed much from Gemma to Skyler and we had to unfortunately switch doctors due to ours leaving for another hospital. Gemma’s doctor never once mentioned the possibility of a stillbirth, which I would advise any healthcare professionals to never say that to a loss mama especially when the chances are low to nonexistent which later he had stated he wasn’t concerned about it.

Skyler, like her sister did not want to leave her nice warm home in mama. She finally did come and it was emotional. When they put her on my chest for the first time I couldn’t even see her through the tears of joy and sadness. She was so different from her sister and I was so worried she was going to look so similar to her sister. Skyler has fair skin, very blue eyes (still), strawberry blonde hair and is small. She’s a petite little girl now that we’re coming up to 6 months. Both my girls were champions with breastfeeding, we’re still going strong!

Bringing Skyler home was nerve wrecking. We avoiding tummy time almost completely. We had our owlet smart sock which she wore every night. It gave us peace of mind while we were sleeping. We had also received an angelcare monitor from Bo’s Heavenly Clubhouse that they had donated to our little rainbow. I had taken the maximum amount of time off to be home with Sky, just shy of 3 months. Going back to work was tough. I watched her on the baby camera and I know her daddy struggled a bit at first as I basically was her sole caregiver because Patrick only got a week or 2 off. With that, I was and still am overbearing and controlling with her care. I still fear something will happen to her. I feel as if I have taken her life in my own hands and have to make sure she stays alive. It’s stressful and too much. We had finally gotten a babysitter which was a huge step for me. Trusting someone else with my most prized possession here on Earth. It’s a step in the right direction. I have to trust people with my baby girl.

What has inspired me to write again for the first time in a year was a post I had read on Facebook. It was from Scared Sidless and said:

“It’s just one of those mornings… it’s a Monday, and I’m thinking of my boy. I looked down at my phone, 10:36, the time he passed. I look at my calendar and think, “How will he have been gone 7 years in 7 weeks. How?” And the next thought is “How has it only been 7 years?” I’m supposed to be focusing in this math workshop but my mind is on Cullin.”

Her post hit me right in the heart and I began to cry because I can’t imagine getting to the point where it’s been 5 years, 10 years, 50 years since I’ve held my Gemma in my arms. How have I been able to go on without her for X amount of years. How can all these loss parents go on and on without their baby or child. I can’t imagine, but it will be me years down the road. I will be sitting around when my other children are older and think to myself, I cannot believe it’s been 10 years since Gemma’s passing. That she was really here and I held that beautiful girl in my arms and now my heart. Not only do I get to see Skyler grow and develop into her own personality everyday, but I’m also one day closer to holding Gemma in my arms for all eternity.

 

“Grief comes in waves and today I’m drowning”

“Grief comes in waves and today I’m drowning”

Today is another bad day. It just came up out of nowhere at work and grabbed me and won’t let go. Took everything I had to finish my shift. I wanted to curl up in the smallest ball in the darkest, furthest corner and cry. My heart aches for Gemma like it just happened. One of those days where I just want to be with my daughter. I want my heart back. Feels like its been torn from my chest and crushed into a million pieces leaving me feeling empty. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and just relive the time I had with her over and over again. I’m not quite sure how I’ve been holding it together for this long, but it all came at me and is crippling. I want the pain to stop, I want the ache in my heart to stop, but it never will. Not as long as I love Gemma. This is my new life and I hate it. I don’t want it. I want my daughter back.

 

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I miss her sweet little feeties 

losing a child quotes Unique Quotes about Missing A grief quote that perfectly the pain of

Loneliness

Loneliness

It’s been over 4 months since I’ve lost my precious Gemma. It has not gotten easier. In fact, I feel as if it has gotten worse. When Gemma first died there was so much support, so much love and kind words. Now it feels as if it’s in the past. I am no longer a concern to anyone. For awhile I felt grateful I at least had Patrick and my mom to count on. Now I feel like i’m in this alone. When the pain cracks me open and takes hold of my very soul, I have to hold on and hope it doesn’t completely devour me. I’m not suicidal, but I welcome death whenever it comes for me. I will be at peace and I will see my precious Gemma again. I will be able to hold her for all eternity.

I understand people have families and they have to continue to go on. They did not lose their daughter. I understand that. But I guess I thought i had someone that would be there when I completely fall apart. That would be there for me when I’m a sobbing mess, curled up in bed waiting for the pain to release me. I now learned it is something I need to deal with on my own. Something I need to learn to get through and “toughen up.” I am not ready for the next chapter being written in mine and Patrick’s life. Not one bit. I’m sad and angry. I want it to go away. I want time to just stop.

People that I thought would be there for me have pushed me away further. Ensuring I keep everything to myself because I have learned, they do not care. Am I in a dark place? Yes. Was I pushed here? Yes. I confided in people I trusted only to be brushed off. I tried explaining where I’m coming from to be told they’re just excuses, I’m a disappointment, and It’s too late. I wish I could show someone my soul, give them a glimpse of how I’m feeling so that they get it. But that is impossible. I now feel like a bother and just keep my pain inside. Something I will let out when I’m in a safe place, by myself.

I miss you Gemma. You loved me unconditionally as I loved you unconditionally. I’m lost without you.  Mommy needs you back. I cannot wait to see you again and have you in my arms. My sweet, sweet baby girl. I hope you are okay wherever you are. I love you with my entire being, my sweet raspberry.

 

Hopelessness

Hopelessness

I miss the days when Gemma was alive. I miss being so unbelievably happy. Life was too good to be true so of course something terrible had to shake me to the core, but losing my daughter? My sweet little 2 1/2 month old baby girl didn’t have to be the thing to bring me down. I would rather have lost all my hair, gotten cancer, lost a limb than lose my baby. I lost my soul, my heart, purpose and happiness when she died. Everyday I miss her, everyday I cry for her, and everyday I hope I don’t get pregnant. I’m not ready. I cannot move on and have another baby. I feel as if I’m betraying my baby and moving on. I want her, not another baby. She was my whole world. How can I come back from this? How can I live without her and be happy? She is my happiness. I’m an empty shell without Gemma. My soul is lifeless and there is nothing inside me but pain and agony. I wish I could make it stop.

This picture is what you think it is. That is the first time we saw our beautiful Gemma since we saw her lifeless body at the hospital. I’m not sorry for sharing this causing people sadness or causing people to feel uncomfortable because we live everyday without our daughter. This blog is raw and true just as this photo is. I debated on putting this on here, but its a part of our new life.

Celebration?

Celebration?

My birthday is tomorrow. I actually had forgotten about it until last week and it’s another day I dread. What is there to celebrate? My greatest gift, creation and purpose is no longer here with me. She’s always on my mind and in my heart, but I want her in my arms. The ache and pain never stops, it just seems to happen more often. I miss my daughter. I long for her. I feel as if I’m just floating through life until I see her again. There are so many days I think to myself, was she really here? Did I actually have a baby? The time she was with me was so brief I have to pinch myself and make sure it’s not a dream. A nightmare. I was meant to be a mom. It felt right and as if I was truly happy.

Gemma was definitely a baby that wanted to be held all the time, some people call it spoiled, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care when she was alive and now I’m more thankful for it because I got all those extra cuddles and the closeness. I felt as if there was no way to “spoil” a baby. What’s wrong with them wanting their mommy or daddy? Was it hard to get stuff done? Absolutely, but I wouldn’t change it for the world and I will do the same for my future children. I think I will be the one that will want them all the time versus them needing me. I had talked to Patrick about co-sleeping. I know people say it’s hard to break them of sleeping with you, but I want my children close. I need them close. Gemma slept with me when it was just her and I. I had this bed bassinet though because I was terrified to roll or her or for me to push her out of bed. Having her right in the bed however was so nice, especially because I breastfed. I would just feed and change her right in the bed, then put her down next to me. I didn’t have to get up all the time when she woke up, which was only about 2-3 times a night.

I feel like I’m forgetting what she looked like in my mind. I have pictures, but if I didn’t, would I remember her? I know I’m forgetting other things as well like how she felt in my arms, breastfeeding her, the feel of her skin and just our day to day activities. I want her back so bad. It’s too difficult to keep going without her. I wasn’t supposed to live without my baby. She should be rolling right now and laughing. She isn’t supposed to be in a little ceramic box. I felt as if I tried so hard to be a good person and an even better mother. I know Patrick has come so far from where he used to be. He has made some mistakes in his life that he is still paying for, but he was hoping to teach our children not to make those same mistakes. He was a great dad and would have taught Gemma so much about being a good person to making an impact on this world like he wants to. I feel as if Gemma would have been extremely intelligent and ambitious like her parents, but she never got the chance. We will never be able to see what kind of person she would have been.

 

Broken Dreams.

Broken Dreams.

I haven’t had the motivation to write in awhile, and Patrick and I have been busy house hunting or working. Unfortunately our grief has not taken a break. Lately it feels as if we are talking about the what ifs or our lost future more often. Our dreams are broken about having a beautiful and happy family.

Yesterday him and I were sitting outside on the swing and talking about how nice it would have been to have Gemma outside with us, for her to feel the grass, hear the birds chirping and just be in awe of the outside. How we would have loved to get a kids/small shallow pool and the three of us sit in it with Gemma enjoying the warm weather, of course Gemma wearing a cute bikini with her cute Buddha belly and rolls galore. I mourn not only for my precious daughter, but for the future we lost. There was so much love but we still didn’t get to keep her. Our heart breaks everyday, over and over again. The deep pain and anguish never ends.

There are times now I see a picture of her and it’s hard to see them. Seeing her brings me so much pain, but seeing her smile and how beautiful she was also brings me joy. It’s strange to feel so much agony and joy from seeing her pictures or watching her videos. I have a new favorite picture, her huge smile melts my heart and puts a smile on my face.

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I don’t believe the pain will ever go away. People tell me time will heal, but there’s no way time can heal the hole in my chest. I feel as if getting day to day may just become easier to endure the pain.

Mother’s Day wasn’t too awful. Having my friend’s and family’s love and support definitely helped me get through the day. Of course Mother’s Day with my beautiful Gemma would have been perfect, but it’s not feasible, just another beautiful dream.

I killed her.

I killed her.

Today is such a bad day I don’t want to go on anymore. I want to see Gemma now. I need to hold her, smell her, talk to her and be her mommy. I’ve dreamed about her for so long. I was meant to be a mom, but I blew it. She’s gone. I never got to hear her laugh, her first word, crawling, walking, rolling over (without cheating), teach her how to count, see her first day of kindergarten.. I don’t deserve another child. I couldn’t even keep Gemma alive. She only lived for 9 weeks and 6 days. She wasn’t sick. She could have lived to 90 years old but I killed her. I may have not been there that night, but I put her on her tummy to sleep too. I made it “okay” for her to be on her tummy. I wish I never did and for that mistake it cost my baby her life. I don’t deserve another child. I’m a bad mom. I’m not even a mom anymore. I have no daughter and my milk is gone. I would give my own life if it meant she could come back. I don’t wanna be here. She was my world and reason to be mentally healthy and she’s gone. There is no point anymore.

 

 

 

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The day she was born December 26th, 2017. The day I found true happiness and true love.